Balance

Life is so much about balance. Balancing expectations, balancing wishes and hopes and dreams with reality, preparation, luck, or chance. The only certainty there is in life is that everything is temporary, also death.


We've noticed Brody getting slower, older, losing his footing on the wood floors, walking slow, no longer running, running into things, not seeing food right in front of his face, sleeping more, drinking more, peeing more. We knew something was up, but he is 11. We sort of assumed it was the typical shepherd dysplasia and some vision loss both of which come with old age in dogs. To help him from slipping on the floor we've ordered him the no slip booties and at his vet appointment Monday we talked about options for pain control, and discussed the other symptoms. The vet tested his vision and said it's depleted but not gone, he didn't have cataracts which was also a huge plus. She gave us some pain meds, he got all his vaccines, a nail trim, blood test, urine test and on our way.


We got a call from the vet today and I knew when I saw the almost 3 minute voicemail it wasn't a simple 'hey his blood work looks good all is well' phone call. I listened to her message and sure enough, it wasn't great news. Brody has multiple myeloma. This form of cancer is pretty aggressive and sadly causes him a lot of pain. The extra whatever cells in his blood eat away at his bones, which just sounds painful. I talked to Cody and we talked about our options. The vet wanted to run some more tests and find out exactly the stage of the cancer, where it was at etc. We decided this was all unnecessary, the bottom line was is he in pain and if so what can we do to help? We got him some new pain meds, the ones she gave us yesterday can't be used, his liver and kidneys are already failing and they'd make them worse.  She said we would take things one day at a time and we'd know when his quality of life was declining to a place where it was time to put him down. I cried, a lot. All the way to the vet to get his new meds and home. Then again in the car when I had to talk to Hudson. Then again when we got home and I saw Brody.


My pets have always been family. They don't live outside, they sit on my furniture and sleep in my bed. I snuggle them and kiss them, and talk to them, talk for them, and love the heck out of them. I got Brody in college and he's been my constant buddy along all the changes I've gone through. I'm trying to just enjoy every single second we have with him, feed him whatever he wants, and help manage his pain. Whether we have him for another two weeks or another year, I'm going to enjoy him.


I'm trying to balance all the feelings I'm having. I'm learning as I go through school and through my own therapy that it's important to feel the bad stuff, sit with it, let it be what it is and move forward. I've always sucked it up, I was an athlete my whole life and my dad was pretty tough. Suck it up, let's tape those fingers together and get you back on the court, suck it up and take the consequences handed to you. Suck it up. Suck it up. I'm SO used to and programmed to sucking it up. I smile and joke and laugh when things are hard, that's my default. I'm thankful for that to an extent, I never complain, I'm not entitled, I'm not whiny,  and basically I'm a bad ass with a high pain tolerance (which came in handy for the five hour tattoo session!) but it's also not healthy to always avoid the hard stuff. We can't walk through life avoiding the yuck.


It's all about balance.

I'm Still Here

It's been a while. Like, years a while. I was doing some internet stalking (as we all sometimes do don't you judge me) and decided to stalk myself. Found this gem and remembered how much I enjoyed writing here. I think on average this bad boy got like 6 views. Seriously though, all six were probably my mom (hi mom!)


Last I wrote, (holy SHIT!) I was enrolling into a year long improv umm school? Or? Something. Let me just start by saying that was one of the BEST decisions I ever made. I loved every single second of that new world. I certainly learned to live outside my comfort zone and I even gave standup a try. I learned more from my year in that setting than I had probably ever. Until grad school.


After improv and learning what I was capable of I got a spark, something inside me lit up and I decided to take the next step. Anyone who knows me knows that my 'dream' job has always been working with kiddos in some sort of therapeutic setting. Fast forward however many years it's been since I wrote last and here I sit, in my very last year of grad school. 2.5 years down, one to go. Back to when I said that improv taught me more about myself than anything ever, yeah....go to school to become a therapist haha that shit will force you to take a good solid look at yourself and then some.


I'm learning SO much about the way I operate, why I operate this way, and how to use all this good stuff in the future. I'm learning how humans in general operate, I'm learning what I believe about how humans operate and I'm learning that I was sort of born to do this. I'm in the right place and there are some occasions where I'll leave class and literally want to talk to anyone who will listen about what I've just learned. I geek the heck out on all this so hard. That's how I know I'm where I belong. Anyone who's been on the other end of the calls (various humans in my life can attest to this) knows that I talk and talk and talk and my eyes are wide and my excitement is high.


Hudson is now 7. He's well past potty trained (where I left off when writing on this thing forever go) he's everything. Everything. We are struggling with him in school, this is a whole separate post that I'll get too eventually but for now. Parenting is by far the hardest thing I've ever done and knowing what I know from a mental health standpoint makes things ever tougher; I'm constantly questioning everything.


Basketball is wrapping up, I was torn between Loyola and Michigan, Loyola cuz duh what a Cinderella story. And Michigan cuz, duh, Big 10 (and we beat then 2 out of three times we played them....) Looks like the Wolverines are moving on, curious to see who they face but I'm rooting for them!