Balance

Life is so much about balance. Balancing expectations, balancing wishes and hopes and dreams with reality, preparation, luck, or chance. The only certainty there is in life is that everything is temporary, also death.


We've noticed Brody getting slower, older, losing his footing on the wood floors, walking slow, no longer running, running into things, not seeing food right in front of his face, sleeping more, drinking more, peeing more. We knew something was up, but he is 11. We sort of assumed it was the typical shepherd dysplasia and some vision loss both of which come with old age in dogs. To help him from slipping on the floor we've ordered him the no slip booties and at his vet appointment Monday we talked about options for pain control, and discussed the other symptoms. The vet tested his vision and said it's depleted but not gone, he didn't have cataracts which was also a huge plus. She gave us some pain meds, he got all his vaccines, a nail trim, blood test, urine test and on our way.


We got a call from the vet today and I knew when I saw the almost 3 minute voicemail it wasn't a simple 'hey his blood work looks good all is well' phone call. I listened to her message and sure enough, it wasn't great news. Brody has multiple myeloma. This form of cancer is pretty aggressive and sadly causes him a lot of pain. The extra whatever cells in his blood eat away at his bones, which just sounds painful. I talked to Cody and we talked about our options. The vet wanted to run some more tests and find out exactly the stage of the cancer, where it was at etc. We decided this was all unnecessary, the bottom line was is he in pain and if so what can we do to help? We got him some new pain meds, the ones she gave us yesterday can't be used, his liver and kidneys are already failing and they'd make them worse.  She said we would take things one day at a time and we'd know when his quality of life was declining to a place where it was time to put him down. I cried, a lot. All the way to the vet to get his new meds and home. Then again in the car when I had to talk to Hudson. Then again when we got home and I saw Brody.


My pets have always been family. They don't live outside, they sit on my furniture and sleep in my bed. I snuggle them and kiss them, and talk to them, talk for them, and love the heck out of them. I got Brody in college and he's been my constant buddy along all the changes I've gone through. I'm trying to just enjoy every single second we have with him, feed him whatever he wants, and help manage his pain. Whether we have him for another two weeks or another year, I'm going to enjoy him.


I'm trying to balance all the feelings I'm having. I'm learning as I go through school and through my own therapy that it's important to feel the bad stuff, sit with it, let it be what it is and move forward. I've always sucked it up, I was an athlete my whole life and my dad was pretty tough. Suck it up, let's tape those fingers together and get you back on the court, suck it up and take the consequences handed to you. Suck it up. Suck it up. I'm SO used to and programmed to sucking it up. I smile and joke and laugh when things are hard, that's my default. I'm thankful for that to an extent, I never complain, I'm not entitled, I'm not whiny,  and basically I'm a bad ass with a high pain tolerance (which came in handy for the five hour tattoo session!) but it's also not healthy to always avoid the hard stuff. We can't walk through life avoiding the yuck.


It's all about balance.

I'm Still Here

It's been a while. Like, years a while. I was doing some internet stalking (as we all sometimes do don't you judge me) and decided to stalk myself. Found this gem and remembered how much I enjoyed writing here. I think on average this bad boy got like 6 views. Seriously though, all six were probably my mom (hi mom!)


Last I wrote, (holy SHIT!) I was enrolling into a year long improv umm school? Or? Something. Let me just start by saying that was one of the BEST decisions I ever made. I loved every single second of that new world. I certainly learned to live outside my comfort zone and I even gave standup a try. I learned more from my year in that setting than I had probably ever. Until grad school.


After improv and learning what I was capable of I got a spark, something inside me lit up and I decided to take the next step. Anyone who knows me knows that my 'dream' job has always been working with kiddos in some sort of therapeutic setting. Fast forward however many years it's been since I wrote last and here I sit, in my very last year of grad school. 2.5 years down, one to go. Back to when I said that improv taught me more about myself than anything ever, yeah....go to school to become a therapist haha that shit will force you to take a good solid look at yourself and then some.


I'm learning SO much about the way I operate, why I operate this way, and how to use all this good stuff in the future. I'm learning how humans in general operate, I'm learning what I believe about how humans operate and I'm learning that I was sort of born to do this. I'm in the right place and there are some occasions where I'll leave class and literally want to talk to anyone who will listen about what I've just learned. I geek the heck out on all this so hard. That's how I know I'm where I belong. Anyone who's been on the other end of the calls (various humans in my life can attest to this) knows that I talk and talk and talk and my eyes are wide and my excitement is high.


Hudson is now 7. He's well past potty trained (where I left off when writing on this thing forever go) he's everything. Everything. We are struggling with him in school, this is a whole separate post that I'll get too eventually but for now. Parenting is by far the hardest thing I've ever done and knowing what I know from a mental health standpoint makes things ever tougher; I'm constantly questioning everything.


Basketball is wrapping up, I was torn between Loyola and Michigan, Loyola cuz duh what a Cinderella story. And Michigan cuz, duh, Big 10 (and we beat then 2 out of three times we played them....) Looks like the Wolverines are moving on, curious to see who they face but I'm rooting for them!

30 Life Crisis

It's been quite some time since I've written and I don't have a good reason other than life gets busy and in the way. Like I mentioned in a previous post life isn't always funny and sometimes it's hard to make things funny but recently I've been really into funny. My life in and of itself is a huge shit show these days.

I'm going through what I so lovingly called a 'quarterlife crisis' but then I was so kindly was reminded by my supervisor that I'm past quarterlife and in fact closer to midlife (gee, thanks!) I refuse to call my crisis a midlife crisis so I've affectionately deemed it my '30 life crisis.' I'm not 30, and I'm not even 29 yet but here's what's going on.

I want to live a little, within reason and explore a new way of thinking and being. I want to push myself outside my comfort zone, explore things, and be more in the moment. I've always been super precise in my decisions, always done what was expected of me, and I don't want to be that way anymore. I am ok with turning 30, that's not really what this is all about, but it's more about reevaluating life and living differently. I think that I spend too much time doing what's expected rather than what I want to do. For me, it's about going for it a little more, trying new things you know? I'm such an uptight person in general that I need to learn to relax and let things be and just go with the flow. I'm working on that.

I've wanted to explore Stand-Up comedy for quite some time now but I really don't have courage. I have been toying with the idea of taking an improv class to help me loosen up and get comfortable on stage. I was going to sign up for a summer session but between traveling on the weekends and not wanting to deal with Rockies game traffic I decided to wait. I recently checked and the next session starts on September 14th so I signed up. I'm actually really excited to see how this goes and push myself outside my comfort zone. I will keep you posted on how that goes because, let's be honest, I'm sure you're all going to be curious.

A few months ago I decided I wanted my nose pierced again but when I suggested it to Cody he said I was too old. I listened to him and pushed it to the back of my mind and moved on, maybe he was right, maybe I am too old and need to quit it with trying to pierce shit? I went to a visit the other day and my 60 year old client had her nose pierced and it dawned on me....who says I'm too old? Who says just because I'm a mom I can't have a pierced nose? I'm not old yet, and I'm still me. My nose piercing won't affect the way I parent or who I am right? So who cares? I decided to bring it back up to Cody and basically told him listen, I'm not too old this is what I want to do and I'm doing it. After some convincing he agreed. Thursday at work I told the girls how I felt and that I had planned to do it this coming weekend after we returned from our weekend camping trip. I'm so lucky to have such awesome people in my life; they convinced me to do it right then and there, so we piled into the civic and sped down to the tattoo/piercing shop in a crazy thunder storm and I did it. I just went it and did it. I feel so blessed to have people in my life that encourage me and I hope that I can be that encouraging force back for them too when they need it.

I have my nose pierced and I've signed up for improv classes. These are two of many shifts in the way I live that I'm very excited about.

If we don't ever step outside our comfort zone and try new things we'll never grow. I have been sitting in my comfort zone for way too long and I cannot wait to see what the future holds. Stay tuned, I promise after I start classes there will be so much funny shit to share.

If you're needing a good laugh though, I've been watching Last Comic Standing and this is a highlight reel of some of the top funniest jokes. Enjoy.

Last Comic Standing

Just a Normal Day

Some days, most days, are completely uneventful. You wake up, you might get a tantrum or two from your toddler, a little squirreliness from your dogs, but otherwise things go off as planned. I usually don't mind these days but sometimes I just wish for a little excitement, ya know.

Today was just a normal Friday that started just like every other day. We got dressed, grabbed his stuffed Bolt puppy for Friday Show and Tell and headed out. I dropped Hudson off at daycare and went to work. No big surprise here. I get to work and, as planned, it was a slow day. I had one home visit which was fine, actually turned out just as I had predicted and some other little things here and there to do.

Afternoon rolls around and I head to my car to put away a Holiday gift I had rec'd that day. On the way back from my car, I head to the restroom on the lower level of our building and head into the large handicapped stall (no one ever uses that bathroom and the stalls are tiny, don't judge me.) and the second I step foot in there I gasp, there is a wad of cash on the floor. Not just like a $20 bill but a wad.of.cash. I pick it up, look around for like Punk'd Cameras or for Chris Hansen to pop out, shove the money in my jeans pocket, pee as planned, pull the wad out and count it ($245!) wash my hands and stand in the hallway. I think for a split second about keeping it and then I immediately start to sweat and feel shaky. I then think about some poor child who won't get a Christmas because I wanted to be selfish and add to our Hawaii vacation fund. I head down the hall with the cash in my pocket intent on giving it to our security guys but they must be out doing rounds because the office door is locked. I head back upstairs and I sit at my desk. I text my friends and ask what they think I should do since I can't reach security. As I'm texting my friends, and gchatting with them, a co-worker pops into my cube to talk about a client. I die. I absolutely flinch 10 feet from my chair and whip around to look at her. The money is burning a hole in my pocket and I'm feeling very uneasy. We chat quickly about our mutual client and discuss his care plan, all the while I'm thinking 'get.rid.of.the.cash.' We finish our conversation and I check into the office of our administrator thinking I can pass it to her and make it her problem, she surely can email building management and they can spread the word? Her office is empty. I think of the next in line but her office is empty too. My GOSH I couldn't seem to get rid of that money fast enough. I find a supervisor and ask her if she knows where building management is and luckily, she is able to direct me. I return the cash to building management and they are very grateful and surprised that I was so honest. After the cash was out of my hands I sat down and began thinking.

What if no one claimed it? Damn. I'd never see that money again, Merry Christmas Building Management. Then I thought, what if that cash belongs to some Thug who just sold some pot or crack cocaine or meth or something and I just returned their shady drug money. Shit. Then I told myself that it belonged to a single mom who worked several jobs to save up enough money to get her kids' gifts out of K-Mart layaway and she'd be very very thankful to have the money back.

The money fiasco took about an hour and before I knew it, it was time to go. I picked up Hudson and we headed home.

I'm home, relaxing in my bedroom w/Hudson watching Polar Express on tv and ordering Chinese for dinner (Cody was working late.) I looked over on my night stand and noticed that one of my diamond solitaire earrings was missing. I had traded them out that morning for a different pair and left them on my night stand with my watch near my jewelry holder. Hudson had been playing over there and been up and down/in and out of my bed while I used the computer to order our dinner. I promptly grabbed  Hudson's bed-side flashlight and drop to the floor. I frantically search my night stand nooks and crannies, drawers, the floor, under the bed, all over the room. I check where I think it could be, check it again, and check it a third time. I'm losing my mind. I start yelling at Hudson and telling him to stop touching my things. I feel my ears getting hot and my blood pressure rising. This goes on for a good 30 + minutes and just as I'm about to break a sweat, I stop and think, maybe I should ask Hudson if he knows where my earring is.

Sure enough, the kid walks to the other side of our king sized bed, lifts up his stuffed Rajah Tiger, and says 'Here Mommy! I found it!'

Thank. God.

Dinner arrives just as Diamond Gate 2013 ends and I think I've had enough excitement for the day. Hudson and I eat and wait for Cody to get home. Cody comes home, eats dinner, and plays with Hudson while I do some things around the house and prepare for the painters to come back for day three on the job tomorrow. Cody is getting Hudson ready for bed aka playing with him and being silly when I hear him kind of panic. I head into Hudson's room and there is blood everywhere. Blood GUSHING out of Hudson's nose, he's smearing it all over his face with the back of his hand then grabbing me and wiping it on me. I grab some tissues and pinch his nose and have him hold is head back. He's wiggling too bad and there is already way to much blood everywhere so I decide to take him into the bath tub, strip him, sit him in the tub and fill it up w/warm water while I pinch his nose and get the bloody nose under control. Crisis averted. We are fine and bathed.

The day ended with a ginormous cookie tin, a huge box of chocolates, a large bag of Peanut M&M's, diamond solitaire earrings safely clasped in my ears, no surprise cash in my wallet, blood everywhere, and Amber Portwood on Dr. Phil on the DVR.

I will never, ever take for granted a normal, uneventful day again. I will also not feel guilty about the gorgeous pair of Frye boots Cody bought me for Christmas, I'm considering them my 'Good Samaritan' gift for the good deed I performed today.

As far as the money goes, I'm going to keep telling myself that it was the lay-away money and not the drug money. I guess I'll never know.

Grandma's Red Blazer

We are hosting an ugly Xmas sweater/attire party here on Friday. Cody and I ventured off to Goodwill to see what we could find. We arrived and it was jam.packed. I wondered what was going on and noticed it was 50% off day. Jackpot. We parked across the street and crunched through the snow across the street to the store. It was busy, and to my dismay there wasn't a rack of ugly xmas sweaters with their built in bulbs twinkling or their ugly crochet patterns staring me in the face. I had to actually search through the racks and be creative. I wondered over to the women's sweaters and found my size. I started looking and noticed something that looked familiar. Yup, that was my sweater I donated a few weeks ago. It's so weird to see it hanging there anonymously, storyless, waiting to be taken home again. Then I found three lovely red options that weren't sweaters, but they were going to be perfect. I wondered over to Cody and helped him choose an ugly sweater that wasn't Christmas themed, but we could work with it. We wait in line at the check-out, pay for our stuff, and head out to run the rest of our errands.

A few hours later when we got home I decided to try my Goodwill gear on to make sure it fits and to show my mom what we'd purchased. I slip into the most perfect red blazer with huge shoulder pads and feel right at home. This bad boy was MADE for me. Other than the sleeves being a tad short it fit like a glove. I'm talking with my mom and Cody about the possibilities for this gem when I slip my hands in the pockets and feel slightly alarmed. I feel  in the perfectly placed front pockets, balled up, wadded tissues. I'm praying they're unused. I bring myself to wrap my hand around the entire contents of the pocket and slowly pull it out. I'm holding in my right hand a wad of those off white tissues (apparently never used), a cough drop, and a vitamin c drop. Then out of the other pocket I wrap my left hand around similar contents. More off white tissues, a peppermint, and a Ricola cough drop. I immediately start cracking up and then dread fills me. I'm all of a sudden positive this gorgeous red blazer with shoulder pads for days belongs to someone's deceased grandma.. I never gave it much thought before when I happily made my purchase but now seeing the contents of the pockets I felt a little bad. I felt kind of bad for mocking someone's dead granny who probably happily wore that blazer to Church every Sunday or out shopping or to the beauty shop to get her hair done. The grandma who always had a runny nose, and without fail, passed out peppermint candies.

Here's to Ugly Xmas sweater parties, red blazers, and honoring the poor granny (rest her soul) who allowed me to be on point for my paryt next weekend.

Finley

Hudson and I were at the mall playing in the play place on Friday when we met Finley. We had done a little shopping and then decided to hit his oh so favorite play place. I was sitting there keeping an eye on him and noticed he had gravitated towards a different part of the play area, so I grabbed all our bags and moved to sit closer to him. He was attempting a particularly risky maneuver on Yosemite Sam (it's Bugs Bunny themed) and I tell him to be careful. This little girl behind him says 'He did it before, I watched him and he was fine!' Then she takes her turn, and rather than climbing up and sliding down she stands up and jumps all the way down of Sam's head. I don't usually squirm or flinch but this one made me a little nervous. She stuck her landing but you could see she kind of tweaked her foot but was fine and kept playing. Hudson loved what she did and I could see in his eyes he wanted to attempt the same risky bizz she just tried. I let him climb up to see what he would do (I was sitting right there, a foot away) and he attempts to stand up on Yosemite Sam's head and he falls and slips off right on this back. He cries a blood curdling cry and I swoop him up and snuggle him. Cute curly headed girl is standing right there and trying to ask him if he's ok. He turns around and looks at her but doens't respond. She then begins talking to me.

The second she opened her mouth I grabbed by cell phone and began taking notes. Was this kid for real?

'My name is Finley and I'm 5. I like to hurt myself see, (bends wrist backwards). My favorite kind of hurt is a splinter. I LOVE when my mom takes the tweezers and pulls out a splinter, it feels sooo good.'

I said 'Oh yeah, it feels good when your mom gets it out and it's all better huh?'

'No, I like when she digs in with the tweezers and pulls it out. It's a good thing I like wood cuz I love splinters.'

(Not making ANY of this up folks)

Then she starts telling me about her dad, and her brother, his name is Talon, and how he has the same name as her daddy and she has the same name as her mommy etc. Then she sees my wedding ring and tells me her mom has one like mine and she never takes it off.

Finley's dad walks over with her brother Talon and says 'What are you ladies up to?'

Umm excuse me, I'm the only lady here, your daughter is 5 and she's creeping me out.

ANYWAYS

We make small talk for a few minutes and Talon is throwing a rip roaring tantrum so dad takes him and Finley out to get a drink at the water fountain.

Five minutes later Finley comes bounding back into the play place and right over to us. She and Hudson run off together and then she comes back, but I don't see him right away. Then I hear him, he's screaming again crying. Normally I'd assumed he tripped and fell but the demonic nature of this little girl has me terrified and convinced she pushed him or something. I brush it off and let them keep playing, but I keep a more watchful eye.

Then Finley comes up to me and says 'My daddy wants to know where Hudson goes to school?' and my immediate thought was you're NUTS child if you think I'm telling you this. Your whole family creeps me out.

So I said 'Oh he goes to a pre-school by our house.'  (Thinking that would be sufficient)

It wasn't.

'What's it called?' She asks me.

'Oh just a little daycare.'

'No, like the name of it?'

This girl is relentless. I tell her it's called like Kidz Zone (which it's not) but that at least satisfies her and she runs off.

Hudson and I leave to go have dinner but I can't stop thinking about the poor creepy children I just met. Maybe they're just fine and perfectly normal, maybe I shouldn't be judging a a 5 year old or a dad trying to juggle two intense kiddos. But I did.

Who's Grandpa?

It’s been a while, I know. I’m sorry. Life just isn’t always funny.

Hudson and I were running errands yesterday. All of a sudden this big huge silver Mercedes SUV w/an elderly man at the wheel took a quick left right in front of me and I had to slam on my breaks. I yelled ‘WATCH IT GRANDPA!’ and huffed and puffed and shook my head.  As soon as I settled Hudson said to me, ‘Who’s Grandpa? Me’s Grandpa?’ I had to stifle my chuckles and explain to him that mommy wasn’t referring to his Grandpa but to the old man who carelessly put our lives in danger. I then realized I need to watch my mouth.

Later that day, our last errand was to Victoria’s Secret (Contrary to these blog posts I don’t shop there all the time!) I was on the hunt for a purple Tunic Hoodie (they are to DIE FOR by the way) and the Stapleton Store had it in stock.  I told Hudson we were almost done running errands but that we had to run to one more store. He asked if there were toys for him there and I chucked and thought, well not right now but some day you may appreciate it this place more when you’re not shopping with your mom. HA. Anyways, when we got there he was looking around and I could tell his gears were turning.  He finally looked at me and said ‘Store for Girls Butts!’ I said yea Bud, this is a store where Mommies can buy underwear. I explained how he wears underwear and mommies do too and this is where theirs comes from. While we were in line checking out he told the lady in front of us that this is a ‘store for girls butts’ and she and everyone around of course lost it too. The kid’s observant, what can I say?

While I’m not participating in the 30 days of Thankfulness on Facebook I will say that I am thankful for his innocence and his uninhibited humor, the days would be much longer and less tolerable without it.